Coming back to Life

“Life's not about how hard of a hit you can give... it's about how many you can take, and still keep moving forward.” ― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

Its been a while since i wrote a blog about myself or the situations am going through. 2015 has been particularly a demanding year for me. emotionally draining, physically damaging. low of lows.

2015 started with a lot of hope even though i knew that its not going to stay forever. but i had to take the chance for the sake of my child.

my health was deteriorating with each passing day with all negative emotions and gazing for the light at the end of  the tunnel which was never meant to be. i had to make my choices which i did leaving my family , my place to relocate to a different place just to keep my family intact.i was going insane and at times i was cursing myself as to why i did all these  but yeah its history and i moved on . my confidence was at its lowest level. but self-esteem was hurt and pretty badly.

i had imagined that my choices would make my life better , good and happier. but it was not case. after we moved to a new places. the conflicts with my wife was regular. she didnt trust me one bit.even action of mine was judged and confronted. i accepted it all to keep my marriage intact and to adhere to the social standards. things were going out of hand , she gave me nightmares..

My Experiment with Truth : 100 hours of Meditation

i have been thinking about writing a blog for almost 5 years now but somehow dint materialize. my honest attempt this time to capture probably the most fascinating experience of my life.

this blog is about my experience of vipassana meditation camp which just concluded , my memories are still fresh to capture the moments.

this was my second time to vipassana meditation camp in  last one year. unlike the first time this time i knew what i was getting into . the tough conditions and restrictions which puts the mind and body to test.
physical restrictions, mental restrictions it was all part of it.

Vipassana is about following 3 aspects of dhamma (universal law) which was found by gautama buddha 25 centuries ago. the 3 aspects are Sila ( refrain from stealing, lieing , killing and prostitution) , Samadhi ( focus the mind ) and Panya ( purifying the mind)

what makes vipassana challenging is the rules which needs to followed to discipline the mind and the body.

nobile silence for 10 days durations. no phones, no whatsapp, no youtube, no facebook., no tv, no talking with others. not supposed to read books or write down thoughts.

if these were not enough add 12 hours of meditation every day for 10 days and being the 2nd time student i was not supposed to consume food after 12pm.

the day starts with volunteers waking u up with a bell at 4 in the morning ( yes u heard it right)
and day could close at 9:30 in the night.

add to it the intense summer heat in this place of tamilnadu. with all these precursor let me jump into my experience.

Dhamma Arunachala meditation hall

Dhamma Arunachala campus

day 1 to day 3 was anapana - the art of controlling one's mind using breath. yes. bare breath nothing else. breath has a beautiful characteristics: it connects the outside world to the inside. its conscious when we concentrate and it works unconsciously when we dont concentrate on it.

my mind was wondering sometimes cursing why did i come to this course. mind was going mad , but slowly and steadily it was coming to terms with the reality and the watching the breath definitely helped to pacify the mind.

from day 4 vipassana starts which is purifying one's own mind. the experience with vipassana was just too exciting time.

meditation sitting tested my patience and i had a lot of different experience. one day i was thinking that body pain ( especially knees)  is due to the stress factor. i was thinking that since the body weight is on it, the stress points keeps changing. my mind started putting blame on body , the surrounding ..never ever taking the responsibility.

other day i experienced state were it was absolute peace .i was feeling light and taught as tho i was away from body and mind.

i experienced my casual body moving even though my body was still.. it dint have any rules of gravity. i felt as though i was floating.

but the icing on the cake was this revelation: the understanding of mind-matter relationship and it was moment of truth.

wow.. was my reaction.. i know that it was the truth.

in between intense meditation session.. the pain in the knees is unbearable , i was tempted to open up my crossed legs but the adittana ( strong determination) vow i had taken just wouldn't allow me to do so.

i closely started watching the pain: here it was: the body( matter) was passing signals of different sensation. vibrating, pulsating.heat,pressure etc.. to the mind and the mind was decrypting this sensation as pain.

viola.. that was the moment i realized it was the mind which was main reason for pain , agony , ecstasy, joy the body had no way to know it. the body is entity made out of earth, water. fire and air. and it has no way to know the pain or pleasure.
it is the mind which reacts to the sensations (vedana) based on the 5 senses inputs ( vignana) and associates it to the pain or pleasure which causes attachment or aversion which i turn causes misery/suffering.

this was the basic principle of Dhamma.

this was buddha realization which he explored and enlightened lakhs of people.. following is the snippet from the buddha teaching.

Through deep insight, the Buddha discovered that the crucial link is vedana ( sensations). In the anuloma-paticcasamuppada, he says "vedana-paccaya tanha'' (with the base of sensation, craving and aversion arise). Vedana is the cause of tanha, which gives rise to dukkha. In order to remove the cause of dukkha or tanha; therefore, one must not allow vedana to connect with tanha; in other words, one must practise Vipassana meditation at this juncture so that avijja becomes vijjaor panna (wisdom). One has to observe vedana, to experience and to comprehend the truth of its arising and passing away, i.e., anicca.

Once i realized it. it started becoming clear that i need to be aware of the sensations and its state of impermanence (anicca) and with the equanimous mind the tanha is gone with that the sankaras of craving or aversion is also gone.i realized this truth and it was true. my pain started to reduce. it was magical.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also mind became much more aware and equanimous and pain reduced.my understanding of mind-matter is better now. 

even though i have questions about rebirth/incarnation am much more at peace with myself understanding very well the law of impermanence "anicca" which is universal.

beautiful campus of dhama-arunachala

Dhamma (universal truth) has started in me. lets see where this self-discovery takes me to.....